mia

WHO is "mona"?

oh my...

i don't like anything today.  i want to run away, but that would involve leaving the house.

today my mom gave me a striped shirt and it smells like how my grandparents' old house smelled.  twenty eight alden circle.  playing cards with my grandpa.  that is how it smells.  i almost don't want to ever wear it in hopes that it will smell that way for the rest of my life.

it's raining harder than it has all month right now.

i don't know how to deal with this.



my rage is finally just melting into sadness.  oh, lady.  i am so sorry.
right now it feels like i will never again be able to talk on the phone or leave my house or interact with people or hug my friends without bursting into tears.  i'm trying to look at this in different ways than i have been, but it is really hard.  i just don't know.  i really don't know. 

i can't
believe
this is
happening.

chad gurney, i hate you, i hate you, i hate you with all of me.  i can't believe she's gone.  it hasn't sunken in yet, not even close, and all i can do is shake and feel sick to my stomach and so, so angry.  it's so fucking tragic and  she was so good. i can only stare at walls, ceilings, space, and tremble into the telephone, and scribble in my journal about how terrified and how enraged i am.  FUCK.

why. why why why?
i can't feel anything.

rest well, sweet lady.

http://pressherald.mainetoday.com/story.php?id=258910&ac=PHnws

already i have this achy feeling that this summer is going to be as bad as last summer was, if not worse.

i love going to the dentist.

job applications give me the same feeling that high school math homework always did.

big sigh.

i found the dreamiest two bedroom apartment on craigslist yesterday, and even though i could afford rent for some time being unemployed (and hopefully i'll find a fucking job soon anyway) i don't have anyone to live with. rrrrr. it's silly, but i just feel like i'm missing out really hard and like nothing like that's ever gonna come up when i can actually go for it.  it seems so cheap compared to everything else (that isn't a punk house), and so nice and beautifully located and everything and oh man, it's making me crazy.

i got phone-date stood up tonight, by accident i assume, but it still is sad.  i haven't talked to kelsey on the phone since i came back from new york three weeks ago.  it's the time i've needed to especially, too.  it's tough when your rock doesn't have a telephone.

everything feels a million times more frustrating and meltdown-worthy than it should lately, and i don't know how to get out of this rut.

fed up!

why is kelsey parker the best person in the world?
i'm in new york right now, and it's the kelsey and mimi-est spring break ever. watching movies in bed and cooking exciting dinners and going for walks and pillow talking.
fantastic.