mia

dark at five o'clock:
i'm not ready.

i wish that i didn't over think everything all the time.

is anyone going to the common ground fair on friday (or know anyone who is) and has room for me!? 
please please please?

here's hoping that taking a quick break from portland to hang out with a lake and some dirt roads in new hampshire will make the days pass differently and that maybe things won't feel quite so hard all the time.  at least for now?

see you in a week.

WHO is "mona"?

oh my...

i don't like anything today.  i want to run away, but that would involve leaving the house.

today my mom gave me a striped shirt and it smells like how my grandparents' old house smelled.  twenty eight alden circle.  playing cards with my grandpa.  that is how it smells.  i almost don't want to ever wear it in hopes that it will smell that way for the rest of my life.

it's raining harder than it has all month right now.

i don't know how to deal with this.



my rage is finally just melting into sadness.  oh, lady.  i am so sorry.
right now it feels like i will never again be able to talk on the phone or leave my house or interact with people or hug my friends without bursting into tears.  i'm trying to look at this in different ways than i have been, but it is really hard.  i just don't know.  i really don't know. 

i can't
believe
this is
happening.

chad gurney, i hate you, i hate you, i hate you with all of me.  i can't believe she's gone.  it hasn't sunken in yet, not even close, and all i can do is shake and feel sick to my stomach and so, so angry.  it's so fucking tragic and  she was so good. i can only stare at walls, ceilings, space, and tremble into the telephone, and scribble in my journal about how terrified and how enraged i am.  FUCK.

why. why why why?
i can't feel anything.

rest well, sweet lady.

http://pressherald.mainetoday.com/story.php?id=258910&ac=PHnws

already i have this achy feeling that this summer is going to be as bad as last summer was, if not worse.

i love going to the dentist.